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The scientific-publicistic articles by Svetlana Lavender

August 2009: Love and how to be happy in a couple

One can quickly find various epithets, such as commonplace, eternal, insoluble, simple, actual, to describe the title of this article according to one’s own conception, life experience.

Let me share with you my view, comprehension, taking into consideration long-term psychological practice in questions of gender relations, cause-and-effect relations in family, generation. And also how the parents-children relations influence one’s destiny, choice of the partner and relations in a couple.
There are two kinds of love: unconditional love (only because “I”, “you” exist, because “you” gave life to me) and conditional love (for something).

Love of genetically connected people is unconditional love: parents for children, a child for parents, love for sisters and brothers. Even if they live separately, have never seen each other, have no evident positive emotional, material ties, or sometimes, on the contrary, there exists hostility, etc. – this love still stays at unconscious level, but in such cases being unrealized, it is discerned as a “trauma” and ousted by consciousness. However, mutual genes are ready to understand, forgive, accept – as a manifestation of unconditional need in love.

During the seances of psychotherapy, I see, sometimes, for example, that it is very hard for a woman to accept the love of her father or mother, and it is still harder for her to admit her own love to parents. The consciousness protests: “He left us, as soon as I was born!”, “He is not interested whether I exist or not!”, “He was always indifferent to my existence!”, “She beat and humiliated me!”, “I will never forgive her/him!”, “Yes …, I do forgive my mother, I have nothing to do with it, it doesn’t matter now” – with irony as doing a favor. In such situations not only rejection of unconditional parental love appears, but also rejection of one’s unconditional love for parents, that’s block for love. What does a block mean!? These are resentment, pretension, resistance: they love me not as I want, not so much as I want, not at that time, when I want! That’s an adult child demands unconditional love for him/herself, for him/her as he/she is, and at the same time, forbidding to have their right to be as they are, as they can be, their right for their own unconditional love. Such a “block for love” projects on gender relations, on partners.

Displaced by a person love from parents (mindset – “they don’t love me”) and love for parents (mindset – “I don’t love”) – is a foundation for neurotic behavior of a person, because at unconscious level there is love, at conscious level – denial of love. Such mindsets independently or together influence the unconscious choice of the partner and destiny in general, but this choice is neurotic.

I won’t now dwell on the question, that these mindsets can be not inherent, but genetically transferred, for example, from grandmother to her granddaughter, from mother to her daughter. I wrote about it in my article “Destiny anomalies”.

Love of a man and a woman – is conditional love, for something, as a man can give something to a woman, and a woman – to a man. A woman wants to get safety from a man, a man wants to get continuation of his generation from a woman. These are archetypical unconscious needs. Eva got safety from Adam, Adam got continuation of his generation from Eva. Here is analogy to germ cells: the ovule after ovulation and fecundation descends to a “calm quiet place”, where it is protected by the walls of the uterus, this protection is necessary for its development. On the contrary, spermatozoon needs movement, it penetrates on the territory of alien organism, it strives for penetration in the ovule, it is necessary for its development and preservation of genetic material. A woman, non-receiving safety from a man (in any kind: physical, social, moral, etc.) stops loving him, a man, having no physical attraction to a woman, stops loving her – this model of relations corresponds to deep unconscious need of psychologically mature, young and relatively young men and women.

To demand unconditional love from one’s partner (as from father or mother) – it’s manifestation of the block for unconditional love from parents (“they don’t love me”), need in unconditional love for a partner (I love him/her despite everything) – manifestation of the block for unconditional love for parents (“I don’t love”).
Hence when parental figures or one of them are substituted by the figure of the partner – this is manifestation of the symptoms of replacement neurosis.

Sometimes it can be easy to reach the unconditional parents-children love by my clients on psychological seances, with the aim of correction, sometimes it can be difficult, but according to my observations, practically always there is direct dependence: if there is resentment against the parents, pretensions on them (displaced or realized, aggressive or well-veiled, made-to social norms) – there is no couple, no happy destiny in a couple. While there is resistance to accept the given phenomenon – there are no changes in destiny. Realization that all your troubles in relationship with the member of the opposite sex is the consequence of the block for unconditional love for parents and from parents for you – is the way to positive, real changes, to happy destiny.

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